I have had the opportunity to read many fine blogs by many different people. Their writing to me has been inspirational. I wish that I could write half as good as they are. there is nothing life changing in what I write. For me the process and finished product of what I write is more of a, to borrow a term from the Harry Potter series, a pensieve, a way of getting thoughts out of my head and then relegating them to the forget about file.
It’s been a while so there is a lot, or at least I think so. If you find anything useful in what I write than bless you. I honestly don’t think that many people actually read what I write. That was not meant to encourage anyone to read it, it was more of a sense of what I am feeling these days.
It’s been a difficult year…and the year is not over yet. I have been wrestling with many issues, demons, call them whatever you like. Mainly I have been deeply trying to change who I am. I don’t particularly like who I am or was not even sure what that is. In regards to my profession as an educator, I can do better. It’s been a year like others full of highs and lows. I’m not sure if it is that I have set my expectations to high of my students or not. I see the potential in all of them and get frustrated when they do not live up to that potential. No, that’s not quite right I get frustrated when they don’t try to live up to that potential and give up without even trying. With this came the realization that I am not inspiring them. I don’t make that statement to garner any pity for me but rather out of concern for them. This feeling was reinforced this past week at the Common Grounds conference in Ocean City. I had the opportunity to hear a personal hero of mine speak, Ron Clark, teacher and motivator supreme. I was excited to see him and listen to him lecture and would gladly have sat for another hour and half to hear more words of wisdom. Ron Clark was everything I imagined he would be and more so. With that came my realization that I am not.
The kind of energy and dedication to what he does and his genuine concern for his students is what I always wanted to have, to be…and sadly I am not. I’m not trying to beat myself up. I honestly do care about my kids but I started teaching 30 years too late. Unlike Mr. Clark, I have always played it safe, have not taken risks and lived up to my own potential. It’s depressing as all hell!
I’d like to say that this was an epiphany for me and that now I will metamorphosis into that beautiful butterfly but I don’t know. I want to, but I just don’t know. At 53 and having only become a teacher a few years ago it is hard to teach an old dog new tricks. I have all of the pains that come with age and not having taken care of myself. I know I need to change but I feel like sometime god is playing with me. After I listened to Mr. Clark and about to head back to the condo of my friend and mentor in my school, I realized I left my lights on and had to get a jump start. Not unusual for me as my car has no warning chimes for when you lave a light on so for about the 36th time I jump started my vehicle. The lord wasn’t done with me yet though. I went to the beach to do some thinking about things and thought I had found a happy place, but, as I got up to head back I realized I locked my keys in the car. Somebody is trying to tel me something, or maybe testing me to see how I would handle a little more struggle. I laughed at it. You have to because crying isn’t going to get it done. Life goes on and here I am, writing down my thoughts.
Then came yesterday. I had a breakthrough moment with one of my sons. We both shared some very personal issues in our lives and I’m hoping that that, was a doorway to a new path in our relationship. Without going in to details for personal reasons at this moment and to protect our privacy a bit, let’s just say that we have a beginning to help each other like we never have before.
Time prohibits me from writing any more at this moment and I don’t know as if I really said anything here but I needed to make the effort. My friends, I hope you all take the time to be the best you, you can be, and as Ron Clark also says, make sure you have seven things in your life at all times: laughter, family, adventure,good food, challenge, change, and the quest for knowledge.
Thank you for listening to me as I flagellated myself here.